Jokes and some more.....

[maddyks]

Anyway since our Batli bhai got you acquainted with Bhindi, lemme try to expain why you should learn singlish....

Use Singlish. It's so much cheaper, shorter, faster. Why do we insist on using the Queen's English, when Singlish is so much more economical and effective? Compare and see!

When going shopping...

Britons : I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.

S'poreans: No Stock!

When returning a call...

Britons : Hello, this is Mr Bean. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?

S'poreans: Hello, who page?

When someone is in the way...

Britons : Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?

S'poreans: Lai, siam! or Siam, hor! or Skius!

When someone offers to pay...

Britons : Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.

S'poreans: no need lah

When asking for permission...

Britons : Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?

S'poreans: (while pointing at door) Can pass or Not?

When asking to be excused...

Britons : If you would excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the gents/ladies. Please carry on without me, it would only take a moment.

S'poreans: Go toilet. Buay tahan ahh.....

When entertaining...

Britons : Please make yourself right at home.

S'poreans: Don't shy shy lah..

When doubting someone...

Britons : I don't recall you giving me the money.

S'poreans: Got meh?

When declining an offer...

Britons : I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.

S'poreans: Doe-waaaan.

When deciding on a plan of action...

Britons : What do you propose we do now that the movie's sold out & all the restaurants are closed?

S'poreans: So how?

When disagreeing on a topic of discussion...

Britons : Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the policy.

S'poreans: Talk cock lah you!

When asking someone to lower their voice...

Britons : Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.

S'poreans: Eh, Tiam leh!

When asking someone if he/she knows you...

Britons : Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?

S'poreans: See what see?!

[maddyks]

About this I'm not sure if you heard before but it happens to be decently good.

A first grade teacher, Mrs Chan was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I am too smart for the First Grade. My sister is in the Third Grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in Third Grade too."

Mrs Chan has had enough of this. She took Johnny to the Principal's office.
While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Mrs Chan, he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions, then he would have to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed.

Johnny was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnny: "36"

And so it went on with every question the Principal thought a Third Grade should know.
The principal looks at Mrs Chan and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the Third Grade."

Mrs Chan says to the Principal, "Let me ask him, some questions?"

The Principal and Johnny both agree.

Mrs Chan: "What does a cow have four of that I have only 2 of?
Johnny, after a moment of pause: "Legs!"
Mrs Chan: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Johnny: "Pockets."
Mrs Chan: "What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains a whitish liquid?"
Johnny: "Coconut."
Mrs Chan: "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?"
The Principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny takes charge: "Bubblegum."
Mrs Chan: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs?"
The Principal's eyes again open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Johnny: "Shake hands."
Mrs Chan: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' questions, okay?"
Mrs Chan: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Johnny: "Tent."
Mrs Chan: "A finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Johnny: "Wedding Ring."
Mrs Chan: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?"
Johnny: "Arrow."
Mrs Chan: "What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Johnny: "Fire truck."

The Principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Johnny to University, I had the last ten questions wrong, myself!"

[life.fun]

Newlyweds Santa Singh and Preeto were on their honeymoon trip and were driving down in their car to Chandigarh from their little town in Punjab.

They were nearing Chandigarh when Santa Singh put his hand on Preeto's knee.

Giggling, Jaspinder said shyly, 'Oye Santaji, you can go further than that if you want to...'

So Santa Singh drove to Shimla.

[maddyks]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato,and salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again he man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's fantastic!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the talking ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Btw.... My 100th post, yippeeee.

[maddyks]

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:

If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."

The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

[maddyks]

Bush, Manmohan, Aishwarya Rai and Sonia are traveling in a train.

The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the
tunnel.

The women and Manmohan are sitting there looking perplexed. Bush is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of
them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

Sonia is thinking:

These Americans are all crazy after Aishwarya. Bush must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.

Aishwarya is thinking:

Bush must have tried ! to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got slapped.

Bush is thinking:

Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.

Manmohan is thinking:

If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap Bush again.

[psynix]

TRY THIS!

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And
you will keep trying to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot
off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the
air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!

I told you so...

And there is nothing you can do about it!!

THATS AMAZIN .. !!! haha .. Nice 1

[batliwala]

About this I'm not sure if you heard before but it happens to be decently good.

A first grade teacher, Mrs Chan was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I am too smart for the First Grade. My sister is in the Third Grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in Third Grade too."

Mrs Chan has had enough of this. She took Johnny to the Principal's office.
While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Mrs Chan, he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions, then he would have to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed.

Johnny was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnny: "36"

And so it went on with every question the Principal thought a Third Grade should know.
The principal looks at Mrs Chan and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the Third Grade."

Mrs Chan says to the Principal, "Let me ask him, some questions?"

The Principal and Johnny both agree.

Mrs Chan: "What does a cow have four of that I have only 2 of?
Johnny, after a moment of pause: "Legs!"
Mrs Chan: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Johnny: "Pockets."
Mrs Chan: "What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains a whitish liquid?"
Johnny: "Coconut."
Mrs Chan: "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?"
The Principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny takes charge: "Bubblegum."
Mrs Chan: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs?"
The Principal's eyes again open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Johnny: "Shake hands."
Mrs Chan: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' questions, okay?"
Mrs Chan: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Johnny: "Tent."
Mrs Chan: "A finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Johnny: "Wedding Ring."
Mrs Chan: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?"
Johnny: "Arrow."
Mrs Chan: "What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Johnny: "Fire truck."

The Principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Johnny to University, I had the last ten questions wrong, myself!"

Lol.. little johnny again

[maddyks]

Four School friends meet at their School Reunion. One of the friends goes to bathroom and the others start to talk about their sons...

Guy 1: You know my son? I'm so proud of him 'cause he was so successful. He became so rich that he gave one of his best friends a 2-million dollar Mansion for free!

Guy 2: Really? My son's made me proud too. He's become so rich from acting and gave his closest friend 2 free Hummer H2's.

Guy 3: Even my son got rich. He won the 8 million-dollar Lotto and he bought his friend a private yacht and jet.

The fourth High school Guy comes back from the bathroom and overhears them talking about their sons. So he began to tell them about his son.

Guy 4: Yeah, well, my son hasn't been as successful like your sons have. He's gay and works at a gay stripping joint for a living.

Guy 1: What a shame.

Guy 4: No, not really. He lives in a 2-million dollar mansion, owns his own jet and yacht, and owns 2 Hummer H2's which were all given to him by 3 of his Ex-boyfriends.

[psynix]

Laloo Prasad sent his Bio Data - to apply for a post in Microsoft
Corporation, USA.

A few days later he got this reply:

Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,

You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further
correspondence. No phone call shall be entertained.

Thanks

Bill Gates.


Laloo prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply. He arranged a
press conference:

"Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap
ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum ko Amereeca mein naukri mil gayee hai."
Everyone was delighted. Laloo prasad continued...... "Ab hum aap sab ko
apnaa appointment Letter padkar sunaongaa ? par letter angreeze main hai
- isliyen saath-saath Hindi main translate bhee karoonga.

Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad ----- Pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya

You do not meet ----- aap to miltay hee naheen ho

our requirement ----- humko to zaroorat hai

Please do not send any furthur correspondance ----- ab Letter vetter
bhejne ka kaouno zaroorat nahee.

No phone call ----- phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai

shall be entertained ----- bahut khaatir kee jayegi.

Thanks ----- aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad.

Bill Gates. ---- Bilva

[maddyks]

One before i say good night...

Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex.

Well, the first thing Minnie asks is, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald says, "No."

Minnie tells Donald that if he doesn't get a condom that they can't have sex and suggests Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that may be they sell them at the front desk.

Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms.

The clerk says, "Yes we do" and pulls one out from under the desk and give it to Donald.

The clerk asks, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"

Donald says, "NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT?"

Good night. More to come tomorrow.

[maddyks]

Good morning India.....

Mickey mouse field for a divorce from his wife Minnie mouse...

The judge tried to advise him not to leave Minnie because of her mental condition. He told him that he should be patient and this is the kind of time that a husband should stand by his wife. He should listen to his conscience.

Mickey appeared very confused throughout all this and asked the judge why he was talking about his wife's mental condition when that was not the grounds of divorce.

The judge said: But here it says "I want to divorce Minnie because she is FU*KING GOOFY"

Have a nice day.

[megha]

Teacher to Sardar " Where were U born?
Sardar : In Tiruvanantapuram.
Teacher : Spell it?
Sardar : (after thinking) I think I was born in GOA.

===============================================

Santa : People consider me as a "GOD"
Banta : How do you know??
Santa : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD ! U have
come again..

===============================================
Sardar complained 2 Police : Sir all items are missing, except the TV
in my house.
Police : How the theif did not take TV???
Sardar : I was watching TV na....

[maddyks]

Three Feelings :

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic ?
Stress is when wife is pregnant
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant
And Panic is when both are pregnant.

===============================================

Chinese Adam and Eve :

If Adam and Eve were Chinese
We would still be in paradise because the Chinese would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake.

[thursdayblitzkreig]

I Recently Read That Love Is Entirely A Matter Of Chemistry.
That Must Be Why My Wife Treats Me Like Toxic Waste.

When A Man Steals Your Wife, There Is No Better Revenge Than
To Let Him Keep Her.

Marriage Is Like A Cage; One Sees The Birds Outside Desperate To
Get In, And Those Inside Desperate To Get Out.

After Marriage, Husband And Wife Become Two Sides Of A Coin;
They Just Can't Face Each Other, But Still They Stay Together.

By All Means Marry. If You Get A Good Wife, You'll Be Happy.
If You Get A Bad One, You'll Become A Philosopher

Woman Inspires Us To Great Things, And Prevents Us From
Achieving Them.

The Great Question... Which I Have Not Been Able To Answer... Is,
"What Does A Woman Want?

The Gods Gave Man Fire And He Invented Fire Engines They Gave Him
Love And He Invented Marriage.

I Had Some Words With My Wife, And She Had Some Paragraphs With Me.

"I Don't Worry About Terrorism. I Was Married For Two Years."

"There's A Way Of Transferring Funds That Is Even Faster Than
Electronic Banking. It's Called Marriage."

"The Secret Of A Successful Marriage Is Not To Be At Home Too Much."


"I've Had Bad Luck With Both My Wives.The First One Left Me
And The Second One Didn't."


My Wife Doesn't Care What I Do Away From Home,
As Long As I Don't Enjoy It.

The Husband Who Wants A Happy Marriage Should Learn To Keep
His Mouth Shut And His Checkbook Open.

You Know What I Did Before I Married?
Anything I Wanted To.

A Good Wife Always Forgives Her Husband When She's Wrong.

Marriage Is The Only War Where One Sleeps With The Enemy.

Someone Stole All My Credit Cards, But I Won't Be Reporting It.
The Thief Spends Less Than My Wife Did.

A Man Inserted An 'Ad' In The Classifieds: "Wife Wanted".
Next Day He Received A Hundred Letters.They All Said The
Same Thing: "You Can Have Mine."

Yesterday Scientists In The USA Revealed That Beer Contains Small
Traces Of Female Hormones. To Prove Their Theory They Fed 100 Men 12
Pints Of Beer And Observed That 100 Of Them Started Talking Nonsense
And Couldn't Drive...

First Guy (Proudly): "My wife's An Angel!"
Second Guy "You're Lucky, Mine's Still Alive."