Jokes and some more.....

[batliwala]

Bhai Joke- Every fourth person born on this world is a Chinese

Sardarji (Bhai as what you call them in Singapore) got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate
Mother: Sikh (Religion of Bhai's just like Christian,Hindus, buddhist etc...)
Father: Sikh.
Kid: Chinese.
"How come you write "Chinese" when both parents are Sikh?"
"Aah, Sardarji (Bhai Singh) read a newspaper, it says that every 4thperson born on this Earth now is a Chinese."

Batli

[batliwala]

One Hole Behind

Which Hole?

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

[batliwala]

Some funny Leave Letters

This one gave me a good laugh! (#6 is the best!)

These are collection of TRUE leave letters and applications written by people in various places of Pak n India.
1. A student's leave letter:
"As I am suffering from my uncle's marriage I cannot attend the class...."
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2. A candidate's application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist And an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past Several years and I can handle both; I am applying for the post."
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3. I.T.I., Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one-week leave.
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4. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the graveyard at 10 o-clocks and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
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5. A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
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6. An incident of a leave letter from a student:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."
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7. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.
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8. A covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
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9. From H.A.L. Administration dept:
As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, Please grant me 10 days leave.
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10. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband At home I may be granted leave".
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11. Letter writing:
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."
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12. Another gem from I.T.I. Leave-letter from an employee who was
Performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave..."
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batli

[batliwala]

Request for Salary Increment by P***s

I, the p***s, hereby request a raise in salary for the
following reasons:

I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.


Dear P***s,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the
day's work.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management



batli

[batliwala]

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow.

GO AHEAD
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

[batliwala]

who is the bravest man on this earth?
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Ans: the Dhobhi
becoz only he has the guts to say
" sahab meinsahab se kehna kapde nikal ke rakhe. mein kal aa raha hoon"
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all electrons were having a party but protons attacked them......
A hero comes & saves them........
they ask who r u....
he says ..............
im bond..........
COVALENT BOND:-p :-p
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Man to doc: Is there any way for long life?
Doc: Get Married
Man: will it help??
Doc: No, but the thought of long life will never come to ur mind
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once santa went 2 gangubai's house...
santa knocked da door...
ander se aawaj aayi.."kaun ??"
santa: "main..."
gangubai: "main kaun ??"
santa: " tu...? ..gangubai.!!!!.."
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Pyar ke Ikrarar ka intezaar mat kar
Fizaon ke badalne ka intezaar mat kar
channel badal FTV laga le bachcha
ESPN par Sania ke jhukne ka intezaar mat kar
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NADAL ASKS FEDERRER TO COME FOR DINNER....
FEDERRER Comes .....
There were all the fooditems placed and decorated beautifully......
but there was something missing in the menu......what was that....
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.guess.....
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.its an easy one.....
yup.....DAL IS MISSING
coz....."NA - DAL":-p
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Whats the differrence between a chicken and a baby?
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Think
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A chicken is the result of a patiently sitting hen whereas a baby is the result of an impatiently standing cock
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When I was born, I got a choice- A big dick or a good memory. I am not able to remember, what did I choose. :-p
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A sardarji went to a STD/ISD/PCO SHOP and slapped the operator twice.

Guess why ?
because there it was written "Number dial karne se pehele do lagae"
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A teacher told all students in a class to write an
essay on a cricket match.
All were busy writing except one
Sardarji.He wrote
“DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!:-D
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Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!".
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A SARDAR went 2 a BANK to open a S.B. A/C. After seeing the Form he had
gone to DELHI for
Filling up. U knows y?
FORM said “FILL UP IN CAPITAL “.
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why is aishwarya's father not a good fuel?
why?
arre because a good fuel never produces ash....:-p
(please dont kill me)
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Why did the crowd in cric stadium gave Pepsi bottles whn Sachin n Sehwag came 4 battin ?????????
ans : Coz' they r OPENERS..
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What is yellow ,thin and long?
>>>>>>>>>>>think>>>>>>>>>>
A yellow thread.
Now What is black ,thin and long?
Ans: Shadow of yellow thread
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Bhikhari: Saab 1 rupaya de do.
Saheb: Kal aana.
Bhikhari: Saala is kal-kal ke chakkar mein is colony mein mere lakhon rupaye fase huye hain.
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manipuri couple: son is born...name him bhai chung bhutia
girl is born.....name her bhen chung bhutia
then third child is a negro......they name him " kaun hai yeh chootiya ":-p :-p
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Here is a non-veg pj 4 everybody.
Ek couple resturant main jaate hai aur CHICKEN BIRYANI order karte hai.
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A question 2 sardar?
q1. what is ford?
sardar:- gaddi
q2. what is oxford?
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sardar:- so simple, bail gaddi
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kid standin outside his house and laughing.man comes and asks y r u laughing?he answers that his mom & dad r fighting.then the man asks who is ur father.the boy replies "usi baat pe to jhagda ho raha hai".
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A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girlfriend's birthday.
As they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note, personal, but not too personal.
Accompanied by the girlfriend's younger sister, he went to Dillards and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, howeve the clerk got the items mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girlfriend got the panties.
The guy sent the package to the girlfriend with the following note:
I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
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a kid asks his mom:
"mommy, how was i born"
mom doesnt want her child to know abt sex and stuff tell him "beta angel brought u here in a blue basket"
kid asks " and how was my sister born?" mom says "she was brought in pink basket"
kid asks again "and how were u born". mom says "i was brought in purple basket"
now kid is furious. he replies "tou hamarey haan chudai wudai ka koi scene naheen hai?"
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HOW TO CATCH A LION??
Newton 's Method:
Let, the lion catch you.
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Implies you caught lion.
Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.
Now you can trap it easily.
Software Engineer Method:
Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.
If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.
Indian Police Method:
Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion .
Rajnikanth Method :
Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime.
The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.
Jayalalitha Method:
Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !
Manirathnam Method (director):
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark
room with a single candle lighted.
Keep murmuring something in its ears.
The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.
Karan Johar Method (director):
Send a lioness into the forest.
Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other.
Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.
First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness.
But 2nd lioness loves both lions.
Now send another lioness (third) into the forest.
You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!
Yash Chopra method (director):
Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.
Govinda method:
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.
Menaka Gandhi method:
Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.
George bush method:
Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!:-D

[batliwala]

What a girl wants

Original List (age 22):

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

Revised List (age 32):

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

Revised List (age 42):

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

Revised List (age 52):

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

Revised List (age 62):

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

batli

[batliwala]

Man using a woman's restroom

On a flight to Singapore, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight
attendant noticed his predicament. Sir, she said," You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought.

Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as he opened his eyes.
A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?" he exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover."
Your balls are in the bucket under the bed".

Batli

[batliwala]

Son kills a butterfly.

Dad: No butter for 2 weeks.

Son kills a honeybee.

Dad: No honey for 2 weeks.

Mom kills a cockroach.

Son: Dad u tell her or should I?

[batliwala]

Man: Bless me God! My son is drug addict, my daughter is a call girl,

my wife is a gambler.

God: Is anything +ve in ur family?

Man: I'm HIV positive.



What's the difference between stress, tension & panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant, tension is when g/f is pregnant &

panic is when both r pregnant


Bio teacher: Girls, the size of a penis should be 6 inches for

successful penetration.

Girl: Mam, how about 9 inches?

Teacher: I was talking of necessity not luxury.


Q: What is the height of shock?

A: When you are having sex with a pregnant woman & suddenly a hand

grabs your ###### from inside!

Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'Goods delivered are not

returnable.'

Groom gave another note back to father: 'Contract void if seal is broken.'


Man: May l hv some condoms please. I'm giving my gal a gift tonight.

Clerk: Shall I gift wrap them?

Man: No, the condoms will serve as a wrapper for the gift.



Breaking News: Coke'll launch a new soft drink in the world market

soon, that"ll contain Viagra. They have named it MOUNT-N- DO

Taking a clue from recent budget, a call girl now charges extra for

ANAL entry. She calls it 'Turnover' tax.

[batliwala]

Bhai Singh Technology Joke

Technology -Bhai Singh

An American, a Japanese, and a Singh were sitting naked in the sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed
his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That's my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear.
When he finished he explained, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip
in my hand.
The Singh felt low-tech and inferior. He didn't know what
to do to be as impressive as the American & the Japanese. He decided to take
a break in the toilet.
When he returned, he didn't realize that there was a piece
of toilet paper got stuck and hanging from his ***.
The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?"
Instead to be embarrassed,inspiration struck his mind. The Singh explained,
"I'm getting a FAX."

[batliwala]

Old Joke on Lil Johnny, but nice...

Little Johnny -Heaven First

On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class Which part of the body went to heaven first.
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God. The teacher praises the little girl

Then a little boy raises his hand and says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love. "Very good," said the teacher.

The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no",she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, "Oh god, I'm coming!'"

[batliwala]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.

A teenager sat down next to him. He had spiked hair that was red,
orange, yellow, green, blue and violet.

The old man stared.

Whenever the teen looked, the old man was staring.

Finally, the teenager said sarcastically: "What's the matter, old man,
never done anything wild in your life?"

Without missing a beat the old man replied: "Got drunk once and had sex
with a peacock, just wondering if you were my son."

[batliwala]

Chicken and Egg

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with
a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and
says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

If you don't get it..................scroll down for the clue......
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1st clue - The question was - Who came first?
2nd clue - Look for a different meaning.
3rd clue - This joke is not really about chicken and an egg

[batliwala]

Secret Code to Bush

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After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive", Osama
himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let
him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter an it appeared to contain a single line of coded
message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice.
Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for
help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White
House with this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."